NEW

This site has moved!  You can find all of these posts and more at unabandoned719.wordpress.com

Thanks!

Dear Friend: Why I'm a conservative twenty-something evangelical Christian in a post-modern world

For months now, my sweet husband has been nagging—er, encouraging me to write a new blog post. It has been a while, and a lot has happened in our family.  I hope to share with you more in posts to come, but for today I am going to be writing a very different kind of post than I normally share on this blog as it is not specifically related to adoption.

This week I received a message on Facebook from a friend who had some concerns about some of the beliefs/issues I have spoken about on my page.   I felt that the argument was valid, respectful, and well represents the views and beliefs of most in our society today.  For this reason I asked their permission to anonymously share their message on this blog for three reasons:  I know I have many friends who do not feel the same way I do about certain topics (and have told me so), and I wanted to address their concerns, I want my youth girls especially to understand why it is so important to have a well thought out worldview, and I also thought I could kill two birds with one stone and get Caleb to stop encouraging me, and respond to my friend. So here it goes—it is long and for that I am sorry!

This is the message my friend sent me:

So, Katie. I think we have a problem.  You have a beautiful family, and I'm glad to see things are going well for you. I think it is admirable that you stay home with your child, I think that is a very valuable gift to give to your child. I appreciate it immensely that my mother chose to stay home with me.

However, feminism is not the problem with people's outlook on stay-at-home moms. Feminism is idea that men and women should be equal in society. That women should not have their opportunities limited by virtue of their gender. To me, this means that women should choose to not [or to?] work outside of the home, or pursue any career of their choosing. For that matter, I think men should also have that choice, and I would find any man that wanted to stay home with his children just has admirable (maybe even more so, because he would probably face additional societal scrutiny). But I also don't think that a mother who chooses to work outside the home, not out of financial necessity, but for her own fulfillment, is less of a woman, or not raising her children properly. I think society needs largely to let go of ideas of gender roles and let there be equality in relationships, and let people make choices for themselves. I think the idea that child-rearing or anything is else is women's work because God says so holds women back unnecessarily, when women are capable and desire to do all kinds of things. I'm guessing that in large part here we don't disagree, and I understand that stay at home mothers are undervalued, and I understand the point you were trying to make. But I felt like you were swinging the pendulum too far back the other direction.

Also while I'm here, I want to mention a couple other things that have come up on your page. On premarital sex: this is a personal decision. People may have sex when and under whatever conditions both partners agree to. It does not waste away one's heart or make anyone any less to have sex. Yes, there are risks associated with sex that need to be considered. These include emotional ramifications, but the potential of emotional harm comes with any close romantic relationship. While they are not harming anyone, there is no reason to campaign against it.

On modesty: Also a personal decision. It is not on women to not cause disrespectful reactions with men, it is on everyone to treat everyone respectfully regardless of what they are wearing. A woman in a bikini does not necessarily respect herself any less, she could very well be proud and embracing her body. Or want a tan. Or think it's pretty. It really doesn't matter why because that's up to her.

On gay marriage: I understand that your religion holds that to be a sin, but that shouldn't rule other people's lives that do not hold your belief system. To doom people with different attractions to not hold the same rights as heterosexual people denies them rights based on others religious beliefs. Churches don't have to marry gay people, but to take it any further brings it too far. And to let a majority vote on a minority right like happened in South Carolina is just an easy way for the majority to oppress the minority.

Ok, rant over. This had been building up in me for a while. I hope you found this to be a civil disagreement; I meant no disrespect. I also understand if you don't wish to engage this conversation, I just wanted to air my grievances. I wish you all the best.

Dear Friend,

Thank you again for writing me.  I welcome messages like this because they cause me to dig deeper into what I believe and why.  For the sake of clarity I want to address my beliefs in the four areas mentioned in your message: feminism, pre-marital sex, modesty, and homosexual marriage. 

Now let me share with you the lens through which I look at the world and form my beliefs and opinions.  I always cringe when people refer to Christianity as my “religion.” A religion involves a group of people in an organized belief system going through the motions to find some higher power or level of being that is impersonal and quite impossible to reach.  But in Christianity the great God Creator of the universe, knowing that we could never by our own personal efforts reach Him in His perfect holiness, sent His very best as a sacrifice so that we could have a personal relationship with Him. It is in this relationship, my own personal experience and walk with my heavenly Father, and the Word which He gave to me that I have founded my worldview.  No one can argue with my own personal experience and faith.

In the beginning, after God created the heavens and the earth, He created man.  I find it absolutely fascinating that God the Father, His Son, the Holy Spirit, and even the angels in the Bible are all male, yet God found it important to create a woman.   This woman, though a part of man and formed in the image of Christ, was created for the unique purpose of companionship.   She was set apart with different skills, strengths, and weaknesses.  She was beautiful. She was gentle and fragile. She was perfect for Adam. You see it wasn't about equality with one another as man and wife, but it was about their purpose as companion and caregiver because they each were uniquely and perfectly created. 

Because of sin, over time oppression of women became and remained a huge problem.  We must remember that this isn’t the job that God gave to men—to oppress women, He gave them the task of caretaker.  In the United States the women’s right movement began in the mid-1800s to gain equality for women in government issues (like voting). In the mid-1960s the feminist movement had good intentions of wanting to create reform for women in areas of education and the workforce, and even in the home where women were often belittled into feeling that that was their only hope for a life.  My problem is with many modern feminists who want to create equality to the point where there basically is no gender differentiation. Don’t get me wrong I’m all for girl power especially when it comes to corporate America!  The thing that I feel we are losing though is what made us unique from the very beginning—our feminism. We were made with a desire for beauty, to crave love and affection, and to mother. It’s OK for us to not be men, and to celebrate our differences. Truthfully, whether we like it or not when it comes to the home God has given men the important task of being the leader (Ephesians 5, 1 Peter 3). It’s in his nature to need respect, to provide for his family, and even to desire the companionship of a woman. It’s fine and dandy if a woman wants to work, whether out of necessity or just for personal fulfillment.  However, I believe a married woman should discuss this with her husband and trust his leadership as to what is best for their family. This is why choosing a spouse is the second most important decision a person can make. I don’t think God says that the job of child rearing is solely for the woman, but for both parents.  If a woman feels held back I believe that is probably going to be an issue in her marriage that God never intended. 

I choose modesty because I am confident enough in who I am that I don’t have to dress in an immodest way.  Do I want to feel beautiful? Of course! And anyone who knows me knows I am all about some fashion and am far from frumpy!  It is innate for a woman to want to be noticed and feel attractive, and while this isn't the reason all women may decide to be scantily clad, I would say it is for the majority.  When we are noticed by men it gives us a feeling of beauty and self-worth.  Former model, actress, and now fashion designer Jessica Rey said this, “Modesty is not about covering up our bodies because they’re bad, modesty isn’t about hiding ourselves…it’s about revealing our dignity.” If you can be confident in a bikini on your own accord and don’t care what men think –fantastic! It’s nice to just feel pretty. But I would like to instill in my daughters 1 Peter 3:3-4 “Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel—rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.”  This kind of inner confidence is invaluable.  Plus, while we may not be responsible for the reactions of men 9 times out of 10 they will still react dishonorably.  My husband would rather not have other men looking at me that way, and I’m pretty sure that one day when you have a daughter of your own you will feel the same about the looks she draws from men.   Here’s more from Jessica Rey:

We have in our society done ourselves a huge disservice by cheapening the beauty and mystery of sex.  We are constantly bombarded with images of sex in movies and TV, we hear dirty jokes about sex, we tell our kids that sex is OK as long as it’s with someone you love and create this false concept of what sex actually is. We paint this picture of something romantic and intense, or we say it’s not really a big deal so just do it for fun with whoever will have you.  Yes, sex is fun and romantic and intense! When you have sex with someone you bare everything to them.  You connect with them on a deeply physical and emotional level.  I think you take for granted how much so, and how much of yourself you lose when you decide to do that.  I don’t know why you would want to be intimate with someone who is not your spouse.  I have not met any couples who regretted abstaining from sex until marriage, but I know many people who did not wait and have many regrets.    On our wedding day my husband and I had all the beauty and mystery of sex to look forward to.   I could say to my spouse, “I valued you enough to save myself for you and you only.” Look at Matthew 19:4-6, “‘Haven’t you read,’ he replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.'” 

I also would like to add that as a product of pre-marital sex, the two people committing the act are not always the only ones affected.  No contraception is 100%. So yeah, as someone who was going to be orphaned if not adopted, I campaign against sex before marriage.

I am not going to spend a great deal of time on homosexual marriage.  I will say that the Bible is clear on homosexuality in both the Old and New Testament (Leviticus 18, 1 Timothy 1, 2 Corinthians 6), and that I believe it is wrong.  I also believe it is a highly sensitive and complicated issue that the church has done a poor job of addressing or understanding.  We have not done a good job of ministering to those who have chosen this lifestyle or struggle with their sexuality.  However, it is our right to protect this union that we feel is holy. Go back to the garden.  Marriage was God’s first institution created for man the caretaker, and woman the companion. This doesn’t mean we hate gay people! It just means we are protective of the holy union of marriage.  Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito had this to say in the case of Hollingsworth vs. Perry,

"The one thing that the parties in this case seem to agree on is that marriage is very important. It's thought to be a fundamental building block of society and its preservation essential for the preservation of society. Traditional marriage has been around for thousands of years. Same-sex marriage is very new. I think it was first adopted in The Netherlands in 2000. So there isn't a lot of data about its effect. And it may turn out to be a -- a good thing; it may turn out not to be a good thing, as the supporters of Proposition 8 apparently believe. But you want us to step in and render a decision based on an assessment of the effects of this institution which is newer than cell phones or the Internet?"

I think it is a wonderful thing that we live in a country where we have the freedom to believe what we feel is right, and voice these opinions without fear of persecution.  I may not agree with you (and vice versa) but as an American I will always fight for your right to free speech, whether expressed through media or at the polls.

You were right on point when you said several times that these are personal choices.  Very true.  God in all His sovereignty has given us the gift of free will.  It is up to us to choose what we believe is right.  I choose Him as the lens through which I see the world and make my decisions.

I hope this was a clear response to your message.   Thank you for taking the time to write me, and to read my response. Many blessings to you and your family!

Katie