Guilty...

As many of you know my husband Caleb and I are expecting our first child in October.  We are SO excited about our little baby boy.  About 75% of our daily conversations are spent discussing who he will look like, how we will do his nursery, what kind of personality he will have, how we are going to parent him, how fast and slow at the same time the weeks are going by and how my belly grows by the day.  This whole experience is both very scary and wonderful for me as a soon to be mother.   I worry about everything, and cry at the drop of the hat.  It doesn’t matter if I am shopping, listening to the radio, or just watching a funny video, emotions run high and tears are always on the brink of escaping.  Actually, me having my own children was never part of my main life plan.  I always wanted to adopt a bunch of kids instead.  But for my husband it was extremely important, and because it was so important to him (and as I grew older) it became the earnest desire of my heart as well long before our marriage.

In all of my preparing for and dreaming of the days when I would one day be pregnant, one emotion I never expected to feel was guilt. Joy, fear, and excitement are all common emotions associated with pregnancy, but no one ever prepared me for the overwhelming sense of guilt I feel for having a child.  Let me be clear that I’m not ashamed of having a baby. After all, I was one of the good girls who did things in the right order: love—marriage—baby.    I have several friends who did things in the right order too, but God has not blessed them with the child that they have so often prayed for.  To be honest, I don’t understand this, and have had this conversation with God on many occasions:  Why does the girl who doesn’t do it “right” always end up getting pregnant?  Why does the woman who doesn’t want a child and has an abortion, even have that opportunity in the first place?  Why are there so many abandoned orphans when just as many families long to have the joy of a child in their home?  I have been both blessed and cursed with empathy--the ability to place myself in the shoes of others and feel what they feel, and while I may not always agree with their actions or decisions I do understand the why behind them.  I have the ability to see frustration in the woman across the room longingly eying my belly.  I sense the sadness in the church on mother’s day.  I hear the half-hearted congratulations from my single girl friends who so badly want a family of their own.  And I feel guilt for getting pregnant when they can't.

I have tried to be sensitive to this in my conversations with other women and in my Facebook posts.  I try not to bring up my pregnancy. I hide the album of ultrasound pictures and most baby posts so that only family can view them.  But I also realize that this only goes so far and doesn’t really heal their hurt. So for those of you who are battling this (or have in the past) let me offer you some encouragement-- not as one who is expecting, but from one who was an abandoned child once.

God has a plan for you too, and it’s not for you to be childless. 

In our culture adoption has become like plan B.  It’s what people say to those women who are in their late 20-30s who are married and don’t/can’t have kids, “Don’t worry sweetie, you can always adopt.”  As nice as those words may sound and as kind as we mean them to be, that’s like saying, “I know you wanted the shiny sparkly diamond, but you can’t have it so take this cubic zirconium knock off replacement instead.” They pack more of a sharp punch than a gentle reassurance.  The women smile politely and thank us, all the while thinking “That’s not the same thing! That’s not what I dreamed of!”  or “That’s easy for you to say since you have your own kids!” 

Now let me flip things. Being adopted was never God’s Plan B for my life.  I say that to you now, but me saying that comes with a lot of praying and time spent healing behind it.   In my darkest days I remember expressing to my husband, “By all rights I should have never been born. My birth caused nothing but pain and heartache, a product of a sinful act. Why did my mother get pregnant and I was born, and not another woman who hurts in her heart for a baby?”  But now I realize the truth--we are all only born because of God’s grace on our lives anyway.  My birth mother did not get pregnant as a teenager simply to go through emotional pain as a consequence of a bad decision.  She got pregnant because God wanted me to be adopted by the Cashion family and sit here and write this blog to you today—I was born to bring healing and not destruction.  That was always Plan A.   

Do you think the cross was Plan B?  When Adam and Eve sinned do you think God was like, “Well, I never saw that one coming! Guess I’ll have to make another way for them to be my children!”  Absolutely not! Yes He was hurt by their betrayal, but adoption as made possible by the cross was God’s “Plan A” for all of our lives.  I know without a doubt that I serve a completely and totally SOVEREIGN God.  Those of you reading this who long for that child (or whatever it is you are struggling with in your life) God’s not surprised by it, and no matter how hard it is to go through, it was part of God’s plan to give you hope and a future and ultimately to bring HIM glory since that is the intended purpose for our lives.  As I said earlier, I don’t know why God chooses for some of us to go down more difficult roads than others.   I just have to believe that He is in control and can see so much farther than my simple human mind can grasp.

Let me reiterate.   

God has a plan for you too, and it’s not for you to be childless or remain broken.

One of my favorite Bible characters has always been Samuel.  Samuel consistently lived a life of faithful service to the Lord. I believe this was due much in part to the fervent prayer of His mother, Hannah.  I have prayed the prayer the same prayer Hannah and so many others have prayed—that if the Lord would just grant me child one day that I would give that child back to Him.  When I found out I was pregnant with a boy, I went back and marked this verse again in my Bible and plan to put it in my son’s room:

“And she said, “Oh, my lord! As you live, my lord, I am the woman who was standing here in your presence, praying to the Lord.  For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him.  Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord.” 

-1 Samuel 1:26-28

This child that I have been blessed to carry is not mine anyway.  He belongs to the Lord, and for that I feel no guilt.  God may choose to one day send him to the other side of the world, or worse take his very life away, but still I have to say, “Blessed be the name of the Lord.”  His will is perfect, and mine is not.

Dear sweet sister, hand it all over to the Lord and let Him show you the joy in His Plan A for you. Samuel may not have been the key leader that he was if Hannah did not also first suffer through the pain of childlessness.  But she gave it to God and was blessed.  Please adopt, sweet friend. You were not meant to be childless any more than an abandoned one was meant to be father or motherless.  Quit making excuses about money or age or whatever it is that is keeping you from adopting and let God provide.  I can honestly say that you will never have a biological child that will love you as much as an adopted one—I know.  Adoption is not a semi-precious stone, and you will never see that child as less than anything other than your own.  Just make sure that when God gives them to you, you give them right back to Him.

I am so thankful that God calls so many to adopt, because without them I’d be stuck in Plan B. May you find as much love, joy, and grace in adopting, as I experienced in being adopted.